I walked into IMC once a week for 8 weeks. Sometimes I was there a couple times a week. I was pregnant during this time. I would see many people in the hospital with lanyards on with a purple card hanging from it. Never once did I read what the purple cards said. I was usually thinking about myself and didn't take the time to look around me. Indie and I would go to many appointments together and I would let Indie push the elevator buttons and I would be crossing my fingers that the boys were healthy and safe. Little did I know at this time that I would be wearing one of those lanyards with the purple NICU cards that allowed you in and out of the NICU. My life has changed and my eyes have been opened with in the last 2 years. Between my miscarriage, brain tumor, (which I will write about later) and my twin boys I really do appreciate my life so much more, and I try to understand the people around me instead of judging them. I have no idea what people are going through, and people have no idea what I am going through.
When my babies were taken through the NICU window I had no idea what to expect. So many questions were running through my mind. Are they going to be healthy boys? How long will we be here? Can I hold them? Can they breastfeed? So many questions. I was wheeled in to the recovery room for a couple hours after my c-section. David had gone in to see the babies and he took pictures and videos of them for me to see. Once I was out of recovery they wheeled my bed through the NICU so I could see the babies. I couldn't walk at all from the spinal and the epidural so I had to stay in bed until it all wore off. During this time David got to spend time in the NICU asking the nurses 100 questions and coming back to my room and telling me about everything. As soon as I could get up I had David wheel me down to the NICU and I was finally able to be with the boys. I would sit with them for so long that my nurses upstairs would call the NICU and tell me I needed to come get my meds. I would always tell them I was fine and If I needed anything I would ask for it later. I didn't want to take my eyes off of these boys; and I'm not a fan of pain meds, unless I absolutely need them.
The boys were beautiful. I think they look a hundred times better now, but they just looked so cute to me for being so early. Those were David's first words to me after he saw the boys, "I can't believe how cute they are". They really are the cutest little things. The boys were very healthy and big for being 2 months early. Brayden had a couple little scares in the beginning with his lungs, but other than that they just needed to grow and get strong. Luckily I had my steroid shots to help develop their lungs. Brayden's lungs weren't fully developed when he was born so he had a hard time breathing. We later found out he had a small hole in his lungs. His chest was a little caved in and he just looked like he was in pain while trying to breath. His chest would sink in while trying to breath and his little face looked exhausted and sad from trying so hard to breath. At one point I broke down in tears and told David to get a nurse. He just looked like he was in too much pain. They put Brayden back on oxygen and let him relax and sleep for awhile before they would take him off his oxygen again to see if his lungs had improved. Brayden was getting more and more exhausted from breathing. His doctor came and talked to us about the hole in his lungs and how she was nervous it was getting worse and that she may need to intervene and put a tube in the side of Brayden's body to allow the air out and to help him breath. There were medical terms and things being said that I cant even remember, and I think at one point I wasn't even hearing what the doctors were saying. (That's why I am so glad I have an amazing husband who was asking 100 questions, and questions the doctors couldn't even answer. They would say, that's a good point let me look in to that.) I was just praying in my head that Brayden would be fine and he would be healthy. David and my Dad were able to give the boys blessings. I know that their blessing helped Brayden, and he was completely fine with in hours after the blessing. I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father and for the priesthood.
Since I had a C-section I was in the hospital for 5 days. It was nice being able to just walk to the NICU from my room each day. I was pretty sad when it was time for me to go home but I was also ready to be with Indie at night. My heart broke for Indie. She cried a lot and was so confused as to why I was always leaving to go to the "doctor". I had never left Indie for a long period of time until I had the boys. It was definitely hard on us both. I would wake up early and go to the NICU and either stay 4 hours or 8 hours. Some days I would go in twice. I would cry while driving to the NICU (for leaving Indie) and when I had to leave the NICU (for leaving the boys). I was always leaving someone no matter what I did. I look back now and wonder how I did this every day for over 6 weeks.
We had some really awesome nurses and doctors. My favorite doctor was Dr. Beachy. She was awesome and took amazing care of the boys. She was also on top of all the nurses and made sure they took excellent care of the boys. I met a lot of NICU moms and went to many NICU activities where we made things for our babies, talked with each other and cried. I felt very blessed that the boys were so healthy and didn't have any major problems, because there were many moms who weren't so lucky. I would get jealous seeing babies go home. It felt like my boys would be there forever. In order for the babies to go home they had to be able to eat on their own by breast or with a bottle. I would breastfeed while I was at the NICU and then the nurses did bottles while I was at home or they used their NG tubes when too tired to eat on their own. I would call every few hours and ask how they were doing. One of the hardest parts about having the boys in the NICU was pumping. I had to wake up every two hours in the night and pump and all through out the day. The hardest part was pumping and not even having a baby or babies at home with me. Many people would tell me how sorry they were for me that I had to get up and pump through out the night, but really, I was happy to do it because it allowed me to feel like I was doing something for my babies. In the NICU you get a section of a freezer to yourself to store milk. The nurses were all in shock at how much milk I produced. They would always say you have enough milk to feed quads.... or a small army. Breastfeeding is amazing. The fact our bodies can make milk to feed our babies is awesome. It is definitely something you have to take day by day in the beginning. I have never been in so much pain with all the milk coming in, and the clogged ducts. With the boys and when I breastfed Indie I got a clogged duct near my armpit, which turned in to a huge knot the size of a golf ball. The worst thing is rubbing the knot out. I would lay down with my arm up and bite on to a towel. David would rub the knot out, and no joke, I would have to tell him to stop every few minutes because I would almost pass out. Worst pain ever, but totally worth it in my opinion. Once my milk regulates it is much more enjoyable and so convenient and easy. The babies were used to bottles when they first came home. So I was breastfeeding some and bottle feeding. Indie never used a bottle so I wasn't used to bottles. I can now say I'm not a fan of bottles. It took a few long weeks to get the boys used to just breastfeeding. My life seemed so much more easier with out the bottles. When you go in public it is so much easier to just breastfeed then to carry breast milk around trying to warm it up and what not.
Ashton was in the NICU for 5 weeks and Brayden was in the NICU for 6. I had to stay the night at the hospital before I could bring Ashton home. They have a few "hotel rooms" right by the NICU and I got to stay in one of the rooms with Ashton. I had to wake up every 2 hours and feed and change him and write it all down on paper for the doctors to see. I had to learn how to use the oxygen tanks and the pulse oximeter machines, before I could take the babies home. It was nice to stay in the room since I could call a nurse whenever I wanted if I needed anything, or had any questions. It is pretty scary to take a preemie home. The hardest thing I ever did was have to leave Brayden in the NICU while I took Ashton home. I felt like the worst mom in the world.
The boys both came home on oxygen and were on it for a month. They were on the lowest dose of oxygen to remind them to breath. They would sometimes hold their breath for a few seconds; which is something we all do on a daily basis. But as adults we know when we are doing it and can tell ourselves I need to breath. Where a preemie may not remind themselves to keep breathing. So basically it was a blessing having them on their pulse oximeter machines because I was able to see their heart rate and oxygen levels 24/7 and that allowed me to sleep. (The 30 minutes here and there) The machines would beep when they would hold their breath and that would allow me to stimulate them and remind them to breath. (I am so glad those days are over with)
I finally feel like our lives are normal again. The first few months after the babies were born were such a blur. Long days and long nights. Sometimes I wonder how we got through them. I look back and think, I would do it all 1000 more times just to have them in my life. I love my kids more than anything. They have blessed my life and they will probably never know how much love and joy they have filled my heart with. I couldn't imagine my life without them. I am also so grateful and blessed to have an amazing husband who works very hard for his family, and will do anything he can to make us all happy. David and I are also very blessed to have family help us during our NICU days. We couldn't have done it with out them.
